Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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