He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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