So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
