Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
