my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Why is your signature on my underwear?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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