i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
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You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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