I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize