1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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