Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Dicks are not precious.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
