I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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