I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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