I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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