My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
