Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You pole danced in your parka.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
