she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
