Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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