im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
