Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
