It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
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The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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