My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
