Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
