Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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