i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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