So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
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no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
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You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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