We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
