I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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