Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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