Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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