i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
