I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
