I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
