I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
