u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
