You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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