i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
