if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
