there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
