you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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