Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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