Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
