You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
