she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
