Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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