I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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