I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
