I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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