So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
