Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
