I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
