I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
