No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
