I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
