to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you never un-have a 4some
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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