first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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