you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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