it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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