I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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