I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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