My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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