Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
